[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today? [text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here [text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after. [text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW [text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA. [text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants. [text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese [text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it [text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?” [text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet? [text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him. [text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life. [text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later. [text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. [text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife. [text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops. [text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle. [text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night. [text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real. [text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling [text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One. [text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us [text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”… [text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba” [text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. [text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. [text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me [text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings. [text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug” [text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork. [text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine [text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there. [text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him [text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten [text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly. [text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter. [text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury [text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart. [text] When was the last time you wore pants? [text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation [text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast. [text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time [text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person. [text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going? [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today. [text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition? [text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila. [text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist? [text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special [text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention [text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin. [text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb [text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes [text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. [text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy [text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster [text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing. [text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on [text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant [text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie. [text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. [text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat [text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance? [text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out [text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game [text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire. [text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. [text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day. [text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship. [text] you traded sex for a burrito? [text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. [text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. [text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. [text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable. [text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest [text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box [text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. [text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka. [text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go [text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. [text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos” [text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you [text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style. [text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. [text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs [text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. [text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year [text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. [text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex. [text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted [text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. [text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? [text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles. [text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy! [text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. [text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter. [text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok. [text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know. [text] Because when I say ‘You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, ‘I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’ [text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. [text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. [text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed [text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. [text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone [text] never. drinking. again. [text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. [text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night [text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now [text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction. [text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
“I guess it’ll be a fun experience… I’ll get to meet some new people maybe… Sounds good…” He tried to be a little bit positive about this. He might as well. “Well… The box isn’t that bad… Right…? Pick one thing that’s really dirty or stands out…” ‘What are you saying Envi…?’ He later thought.
❝ you see it now, right? it’s going to be good for you and it might even make you feel better about yourself. it’s a positive thing to endure, trust me. and well, the box… it has some questionable things in it and no i’m not going to point out anything! apart from the wank toys ‘cause they’re pretty nasty. that’s it, okay? so now we’re going to go find someone you think you could like. are you good with that? ❞
“I heard that there’s a new transfer student coming today.” “Rumors are going around that she’s from the Pitch Black World.” “The one with that perverted devil?”
The hustle and bustle of the classroom remained unnoticed by the incubus as his tail flicked lazily behind him. Another book was strewn out before him as his eyes scanned over the pages; he had heard all about the transfer student since everybody in his classes today didn’t seem to want to shut up about it.
They were just another student, he couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Tons of students here were from different worlds, but there wasn’t nearly as much commotion about them as there was for this person. It did get him thinking about how important they may be, but only for a few seconds.
What did it matter to him, anyways? Their relationship would be the same as it was for him and everyone else; purely business.
hersilia had made sure that all the news would be fixated on her when she had made herself known to the school’s community. of course she would reign supreme in this educational structure, just like her last. and anyway, she was only transferred here to take one course && then return to her previous school. this would be easy. very easy.
and so there she was, standing outside of her designated classroom. it only fed her ego more and more to hear people talking about her with such excitement. she listened to her new classmates from outside the door with a satisfied smirk plastered on her face. hersilia was glad to know that she was the center of attention already.
with a deep breath and her best smile, hersilia opened the doors to her new classroom and walked inside. all she could see were people of various species sitting around in different desks talking. how odd— there was no teacher in sight. her eyes scanned the room until they landed on yuu. now wasn’t he quite attractive? how enticing.
she made her way over to his desk, lifting up the book so that she could sit on the desk. all eyes were on her and people were whispering. how very cute of them. she smirked slightly before introducing herself.
❝ hello, ladies and gents. my name is hersilia and i’m just so happy to be here! i hope we can all be friends. ❞ she drew out the last word, looking down at him ever so casually.
The ghost listened intently, Hersilia always had great ideas when it came to these things, which was why it was always great to hear their input. It gave Met some more creative methods in ways she could use when she had a killing mood setting in, it was always fun to toy with the lackey demons.
When she heard Hersilia mention an addition she could add to hide ‘n’ seek, Met clapped her hands and laughed more.
“That’d be great, can you imagine how priceless the scared looks on their faces would be when I find them! For certain, they wouldn’t survive long.”
hersilia folded her arms && raised an eyebrow at her murder-loving, death-machine friend. the idea of killing was fond to her as it usually was a source of food in her eyes. and anyway, there had been countless occasions in which hersilia helped met with her schemes. this was just like any other, really.
she bowed jokingly when met clapped her hands. of course she would be looked upon with admiration because of her ever-genius plan!
❝ it really would be priceless, met. i think it’d be funny if you got a chainsaw as well just to kick in the shock factor, y’know? ❞
“i guess so… You really want to help me…? I feel kind of like a loser right now…” He moved his knees to his body and wrapped his arms around them. He didn’t really want to participate in this, he thought he’d run into someone eventually, but he’s been alive for so long, it might just be the time to actually search for someone. He just let her rummage through the box, he wasn’t looking though. “I just want you to also know that I’m bi… So girl or guy… I don’t care…”
❝ it’s not that bad, don’t be over-dramatic! anyway, it’s fine. you’re not a loser for having a lack of sex. jeez, don’t be so hard on yourself. it’ll be a fun experience for you! and i don’t wanna sound vain or anything like that but i know a lot of people and if you’re with me then there might be a chance i can hook you up with someone that i know. and of course, someone that you like. i think you should get into being comfortable with doing it first before you even start to think about a committed relationship. and did i mention that this box is filthy? wow, envi! you must have one hell of a libido. ❞
“There’s seriously no one right now that would be compatible… And I always go out when I get the chance… I know a lot of people… But no one has really crossed my mind…” He sighed again. “I’m a failure at this okay…? You have to just deal with it…” He shut his box again, hopefully she didn’t see other things that were in there.
❝ well you do want to seal the deal though, right? ‘cause trust me it’s a lot better than doing whatever you do with those weird pornos. and even if no one has crossed your mind, i’m sure you’ll think of someone eventually. ❞ hersilia sighed && swiftly opened the box. ❝ okay, don’t get mad; i have to see this to help you. it’s just because no one can ever be a failure at sex, not even the shyest person in existence. so i’m gonna help you find someone you like, and i’m gonna get you to seduce them. it’s either that or you will probably never do it again. this is a one time offer, and it’s your decision whether you want to be a pussy or get it.❞
He chuckled. “I’m no virgin… That’s not the problem… But, I can’t go out and say ‘Hey, you want to have sex…?’ That’s stupid… I only do that when I’m drunk… I’m also known to not just do that… It’s not really my thing to do…” He sighed. “And look… I want to know who stole it… I’m worried that that person will spread rumors about that and then my reputation will spiral downwards… Okay…?”
❝ well, if you aren’t a virgin then what’s the problem? i know you can’t just go straight out and ask someone! that really would be idiotic. i mean, you should get to know someone that you think you’re compatible with && then build a relationship then boom. i mean it’s not like you’re not gonna do it again, right? it’s kinda inevitable, i suppose. but hey, life isn’t about what you’re known to do and what you’re not known to do— that’s why surprises exist! you should loosen up, or well, let someone loosen you up. and no one will know about it, okay? i’m sure the person doesn’t even know that the magazines are yours. ❞
